Revealing…Three of My Biggest Mistakes in Life

Posted on February 28, 2012

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I haven’t blogged in forever.  There’s really not much to say.  My life isn’t changing in any way. I’m extremely blessed, happy, loving God, enjoying life all while being my hermiting self. I’m branching out in some areas.  More about that another day I suppose.  But I had an emotional breakdown the other night and thought I should tell you about it.  Maybe it will make you think.

I have made so many mistakes.  Three are glaringly obvious.  And they all revolve around the same thing.  Imagine that. In order of occurrence:

  1. Abortion #1
  2. Abortion #2
  3. Having my tubes tied

I recently found out a dear friend is pregnant. I am so happy for her.  And in no way diminishing my excitement for her, I start to be envious.  I want a baby so bad I can’t stand it.  Then, the other night Keith and I were talking about what being pregnant was like.

I enjoyed being pregnant.  But it wasn’t a happy pregnancy.  I didn’t have a significant other there enjoying it with me. I didn’t have anyone to ooh and ahh over baby stuff with me.  I didn’t have anyone holding my hand and seeing me through a birth. I mean, my mom was there.  And his mom was there for some unknown reason.  He (who had not spoken to me for the entire duration of my pregnancy) came to the hospital with his mom (after I had specifically told her he could not come).  The whole thing made for a very miserable situation.  But I needed that someone holding my hand.  (Of course, afterwards, there was no unhappiness.)

One of the things I regret about my pregnancy is my ignorance. I was 19 and had no idea what was going on.  My ob just told me how things were going to go. I didn’t know that there were options.  Natural birth?  Ha! The only thing I knew about that was that it would hurt.  A lot.  I am a wuss about pain, so I don’t know that I could have done it.  That same friend who is pregnant told me that it was totally Jesus when she gave birth naturally. I would hope I would be the same.

When I became pregnant again a few years later and the father told me he would leave if I had the child, I was terrified.  Being a single mom was tough.  Could I go through another pregnancy alone? So I let him take me to have an abortion.  Then again a year later.  (Yeah, birth control pills aren’t 100%.)  This time, the ignorant ultrasound tech let me see the ultrasound.  I was pregnant with twins.  I think I am only just now coming to grieve all those children fully.

When we married, Keith and I were fine with merging our children (He has two daughters, I have one.  We are completely one big, happy family.)  We figured that was enough.  We didn’t need anymore.  So I spent our first anniversary/honeymoon in St. Maarten recovering from having my tubes tied.

I want a child that’s part of Keith and part of me.  I am perfectly happy with the three daughters I have now, but I’d like to have a little us.  But, unless a miracle happens, we won’t ever have one.  Not only are my tubes tied, but I am prescribed a birth control pill for a hormonal imbalance.  That I quit taking the night I had the emotional breakdown.

I’m not one to preach, so I won’t.  But I’d just like to say, if you are considering one of these procedures, think and pray long and hard.

Totally related (my history fuels my passion), I’ve started a ministry showing women and girls they are loved, worthy and valued.  I want to show girls there are other paths than the self-destructive ones.  Find us on Facebook at MAM Chattanooga.  Or send an email to mamchattanooga@gmail.com to be added to our mailing list.  Never know when you might wanna come join us at the strip clubs or widow shelters. 😉

 

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