My Name is Jenifer and…

Posted on October 17, 2010

5


I am a rapid cycling bipolar with a paranoid delusional disorder.

A dear friend posted a blog about a family member’s struggle with a “mental illness”.  In talking about it with her, I realized something: I am not open about my disorder.  I hide it sometimes.  Why?  I think it’s because it’s still “bad”.

There’s a bubble-gum pink evangelist that I love to listen to (for a few minutes, anyway) but she makes me feel like if I only prayed just a bit more, I would be emotionally healed.  A lot of Christians act this way toward me, truth be known.  Sometimes I feel as though they think that I have done something to “deserve” this.

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I wrote the above as an intro to a blog I was gonna write but never got around to.  I suppose it was meant to go with this blog:

I’m angry. No, angry doesn’t touch on what I am.  I am seeing black – not red as the saying goes.  I see black.  Why? Because I have been off my meds for two months. Ya see, being bipolar doesn’t mean happy/sad for me.  For me it means sad/angry.

This morning, I lashed out at Keith.  Why? Because he took my joke the wrong way.  It led to a lot of unkind words.  No, “unkind” is too kind.  It led to a lot of hate-filled words.  I’m telling ya – I could see the hate dripping off them as they exited my mouth. But without my meds, I don’t know how to stop them from coming out. I swear, I don’t.

The whole weekend has gone like this too.  It’s just escalating.  We were supposed to go to the Zombie Walk but manic episodes just blow, ya know?

When things get like this, I want to destroy.  The house. Myself. Someone. I want to hit. I want to smash. I want to tear down whatever has been built up.  I want to grind my teeth till there are no teeth left to grind. I want to throw things, I want to burn things.  I hate with an unholy passion.

I want to get it out here on “paper” so that you can hear what I am saying and know what I am feeling.  I want you to understand. But I can’t make you see it.

It’s days like this that I can just take a pill and go to sleep, but seriously, who wants to live a life like that?  Hiding from the world because you are afraid you will lash out?

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I want to take a minute to thank my husband for coping with my disorder the best he can.  More than once has he been the victim of my undeserved rage.  And to my children, especially Abby because she suffered solo for many years without me seeking treatment, I apologize for all the mom – daughter moments we miss out on because I can’t quite deal with whatever life throws at me.  I love all of you dearly and appreciate you more than you know.

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I’m sure this blog was confusing and full of rambles, but I just needed to get it out. I might delete this later on but for now, it’s therapeutic.

Off to bed… at 10:21 AM.

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Posted in: BiPolar, Life