Posted on October 11, 2010


This is personal. And heavy.  And convoluted.

I was sent home from volunteer work today.  I was coughing my fool head off and was finally told to go home lest I spread my germs.

Keith is gone to work.

Abby is at school.

Katie and Emily are learning with Heather today.

I hear the cats grooming themselves and that’s it. It’s kinda nice.

Except for those pesky voices I hear.

They haunt me.  All those thoughts that seem to plague you when you can’t sleep and the clock keeps saying 4:13 AM no matter how many times you close your eyes.

It’s not 4:13 AM or PM.  It’s a little after noon on a glorious day.  Dark thoughts shouldn’t plague me.

But I have been off my meds for months now.  The thoughts linger…

I question myself about decisions I have made in the past. I know I am forgiven, but really, how is that possible? I have committed what  I personally think is the gravest sin.

I look back into my past and all I see are flashes: razor sharp flashes…cold feet…loneliness ..confusion…the smell of oranges…the sticky sweet taste in my mouth of Cinnabons…the callousness from those who don’t have time to care…white…the list goes on….

I wonder if God causes the holes in my memories.

So I pray to quiet the voices.  And God speaks – quietly at first.

Later the words of my husband come back to me.  He is such a wise man, but don’t tell him that! 🙂 “We love.”  I know to get through pain we simply love.  He reminds me of that all the time but it’s so easy to forget.

So beginning November 5th, I am going to start training for a new ministry. I’m gonna love.   I’m gonna work with Choices PRC.

God redeems.

Posted in: BiPolar, Life