Un-Profound Rambles

Posted on August 27, 2010

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Wow. It’s been like three weeks since I posted. I should check and see when the last time really was. It’s been a long time, that’s for sure.

Why?

We have been busy. You would think with Keith laid off and me a stay at home mom that we would have time on our hands like no one’s business but the truth of it is, I don’t know where our spare time goes.

We started homeschooling three weeks ago – the first two weeks were “the basics” just to get them back into the swing of a kinda sorta schedule again. (By the basics, I mean math and language arts.) This week we started My Father’s World curriculum. So far, so good. The girls say they like it OK. I like it. It’s only been one week so I am not laying wagers on anything yet. 😉

For those of you who don’t know, I home school my (step)daughters half of the week and their mom takes the other half. (Fridays are an off day.)

Abby (my 15 year old) started her sophomore year of high school this year! Oh my, do I feel old. I mean, not old (I still think of myself as young) but I really don’t think of myself as old enough to have a 15 year old. Heck, I am barely older than that myself. Right? Right?…. hello?

Keith is busy setting up a not for profit. He wants to do missions full time. It terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. I mean, come on, how will we live between now and then? And at the same time, ow cool is it that loving people is not just a way of life but what we do full time, not just on Saturdays and any other time we can squeeze it in.

I’ve been having some interesting talks with God lately. Lots of them. One of the more recent ones is where He gently nudged me (or not so gently as the case may be) and let me know that He had been with me from the beginning.

Really.

(stop now if you don’t want a brief bit of my story)

See, I didn’t grow up in church. My family isn’t “religious”. I did VBS once and I think it was because my mom was sick of having young kids around. 🙂 My mom dropped us off at Sunday School a few times (we lived a block from the church). I remember Ms. Kathy having to take me to “big church” and sitting with me, feeding me LifeSavers because my mom had not come to pick me up. I remember begging to go to church when I got older because the kids who did go were happy. And I wanted to be happy too.

I remember distinctly all the kids going up front to say a prayer so that they didn’t go to hell. They all went with their friends and neighbors. But I didn’t have one of those at church. No one to hold my hand and hug me (this was around age 7 or so), cry and giggle. So I didn’t go up front.

And the next time (probably a year later) I was at church? I still didn’t have a friend. But this time, I had a bit more understanding of this God guy. This time, I said the prayer. I had a kids’ Bible Stories book. I knew that Jesus was my friend and that He was God’s son and that in order to go to Heaven, I had to believe in Him. So when the pastor got up and asked if anyone wanted to “dedicate their life”, I didn’t stand up but I said the prayer in my heart (where I think it counts the most anyway). I was scared to go up front all alone. I think we all feel that way sometime. I hope so anyway.

I didn’t tell anyone about it, it was just something between me and my new friend God. But I didn’t go to church on a regular basis and know what it means to be a Christian. I didn’t know anything about following Jesus.

So I grew up talking to God on my own without church. Without four walls and a big white steeple, I had a relationship with God. I didn’t know I was talking to God God, just a voice in my head trying to show me love and guidance all the time. No one knew. I didn’t try to hide it. I just didn’t think you talked about that voice that talks back to you in your head.

As I got older, I grew… bitter? I was jealous of those “good kids” who all went to church together. They were all friends and so durn happy. So I mocked them and turned a hard shoulder towards them. They weren’t worth my efforts to be a friend. And with a mockery of them, came a mockery of their “churchiness”.

When it would have been prime time for me to learn so much about God, I wasn’t taught. I dried up inside and became such a hateful person. Oh, and I drowned out that person in my head. With drugs and alcohol and meaningless relationships. But hey, I didn’t hear that voice anymore!

Amazingly enough, when I started listening to that voice again, it didn’t chastise me for my time away. Or ridicule me for not knowing my Bible history. That voice just said “Hi! Wanna start over?”

The other night, it hit me. That voice that I talked to as a kid? It was God. But that voice has been with me since I was a kid I argued with myself. Then I realized: I have talked to God almost all my life. Even in some of my darkest moments, I would “slip up” and have a conversation with that voice. All this time I have thought that when I was young I was without God, He was there all along. 🙂

Do you know how good that feels?

I just thought I would share one of my God moments with you – even if I just came here to give a brief update and to let everyone know we are alive (and going to NC next weekend!!!!)

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Posted in: Education, Family, God, Kiddos, Life