I have made so many mistakes.  Three are glaringly obvious.  And they all revolve around the same thing.  Imagine that. In order of occurrence:

1. Abortion #1
2. Abortion #2
3. Having my tubes tied

I recently found out a dear friend is pregnant. I am so happy for her.  And in no way diminishing my excitement for her, I start to be envious.  I want a baby so bad I can’t stand it.  Then, the other night Keith and I were talking about what being pregnant was like.

I enjoyed being pregnant.  But it wasn’t a happy pregnancy.  I didn’t have a significant other there enjoying it with me. I didn’t have anyone to ooh and ahh over baby stuff with me.  I didn’t have anyone holding my hand and seeing me through a birth. I mean, my mom was there.  And his mom was there for some unknown reason.  He (who had not spoken to me for the entire duration of my pregnancy) came to the hospital with his mom (after I had specifically told her he could not come).  The whole thing made for a very miserable situation.  But I needed that someone holding my hand.  (Of course, afterwards, there was no unhappiness.)

One of the things I regret about my pregnancy is my ignorance. I was 19 and had no idea what was going on.  My ob just told me how things were going to go. I didn’t know that there were options.  Natural birth?  Ha! The only thing I knew about that was that it would hurt.  A lot.  I am a wuss about pain, so I don’t know that I could have done it.  That same friend who is pregnant told me that it was totally Jesus when she gave birth naturally. I would hope I would be the same.

When I became pregnant again a few years later and the father told me he would leave if I had the child, I was terrified.  Being a single mom was tough.  Could I go through another pregnancy alone? So I let him take me to have an abortion.  Then again a year later.  (Yeah, birth control pills aren’t 100%.)  This time, the ignorant ultrasound tech let me see the ultrasound.  I was pregnant with twins.  I think I am only just now coming to grieve all those children fully.

When we married, Keith and I were fine with merging our children (He has two daughters, I have one.  We are completely one big, happy family.)  We figured that was enough.  We didn’t need anymore.  So I spent our first anniversary/honeymoon in St. Maarten recovering from having my tubes tied.

I want a child that’s part of Keith and part of me.  I am perfectly happy with the three daughters I have now, but I’d like to have a little us.  But, unless a miracle happens, we won’t ever have one.  Not only are my tubes tied, but I am prescribed a birth control pill for a hormonal imbalance.  That I quit taking the night I had the emotional breakdown.

I’m not one to preach, so I won’t.  But I’d just like to say, if you are considering one of these procedures, think and pray long and hard.

Totally related (my history fuels my passion), I’ve started a ministry showing women and girls they are loved, worthy and valued.  I want to show girls there are other paths than the self-destructive ones.  Find us on Facebook at MAM Chattanooga.  Or send an email to mamchattanooga@gmail.com to be added to our mailing list.  Never know when you might wanna come join us at the strip clubs or widow shelters.

“You will never reach your goal until you start to take action, any action.” Byron Pulsifer

I have struggled with my weight all my life.  Around the age 16, I started gaining.  I think it had to do some with personal stuff I was dealing with at the time.  But I started gaining.  Then I lost a lot of weight after high school and kept it off… till I got pregnant.

After the pregnancy, it took me a couple of years to lose the pregnancy weight. I did, indeed lose a lot of it.  Then I got married.  And started taking a bunch of different medications (hmmm… medications and marriage at the same time… wonder if there’s a correlation? ).  And became a homebody who never did anything.  So I gained up more than I have ever *dreamed* I would weigh.

I started losing weight about two months ago.  I have lost twenty some odd pounds. It’s not really noticeable though. I read that in some overweight people, they have to lose in excess of 40 pounds before people start noticing. I see it in my clothes.  I see it on the scale.  I’m pretty stoked.

I honestly don’t have a target weight.  I need to come up with one so I have  a goal. I know I am not meant to be small.  Just smaller.  I was pretty happy when we got married and I was a 12.  That would be a good goal.

So I put it all out here in hopes that this will help hold me accountable.  Now that people know I am trying, then I actually have to put more of an effort into it to show you I can do it.  Or something like that.

Hold me to it.

I know I never liked school. I liked the education part fine, but the social anxiety that comes from being in school was not great.  But I don’t think I remembered just how much I hated school.  I had this Senior Memory Book thing that was like a scrapbook for memorabilia and thoughts about certain things going on in a high schooler’s life.  My words just poured hate for school.

I am so glad my girls don’t have that problem.  The Eldest is happy at school. She flourishes.  Social anxiety? Not at all. The Girls are, thankfully, homeschooled.  I don’t think they have the same personality makeup as The Eldest, so I don’t think school would suit them at all. Well, maybe The Youngest.  She is a little social butterfly sometimes.

Walking down memory lane reminded me of my first love. Not in a “Oh, wonder what he’s up to now?” kind of way.  More of a “Wow, what a long time ago.” and “Wow, how silly I was!”  But on the heels of the start of first love in our household, I also thought of the “That hurt.” kind of way.  I pray that The Eldest doesn’t have that problem.  I am not naive enough to think that her first love will be her last, but I can wish, right?

I sit here tonight in the afterglow of a good family evening.  We couldn’t all be here for dinner (The Eldest was working) but we all sat down to dessert together.  We played a board game. We laughed. A lot.  I am reminded of how blessed I am.  Just wanted to stop in and let you know.

I sure hope that’s true.  I have a confession to make.  If you start talking deep thought stuff regarding religion, my mind will wander off to errands that I have to run, grocery lists and my to do list.  See, I can’t follow along.

I didn’t grow up in church.  I did have a children’s Bible Stories book. (Didn’t everyone?) I went to church a few times when I was really young.  I became a Christian six years ago.  That’s not a lot of time to store up Biblical understanding.

Hubby went to Bible College.  So did his ex-wife.  And her husband? I am pretty sure he didn’t go to Bible College, but he sure comes off like he did.  We are all in a Bible study together.  Every week, they (and a few others) start debating and discussing and I am sitting there thinking about my Walmart needs.

I have no idea what they are talking about half the time. I don’t know theology.  I don’t know Church history. I can’t quote Bible verses.  I am Biblically ignorant.  And I hate it.

BUT

I want to learn.  I want to learn so much so bad that I can taste it (yes, I can taste books, can’t you?).  I have been doing a Bible study on my own for the past few weeks.  It’s taking me step by step through the New Testament and giving me historical information to go along with it. I am really digging it.  I also follow a blog that leads me through reading the Bible in a year with commentary every day.  It’s nifty.  Finally, I signed up for some online courses through Covenant Theological Seminary.   I’m listening to some professors do their best to educate people like me (or not like me, as the case may be).

I am learning. It’s just taking me a while. While I know that all this Biblical education is important, sometimes I am grateful for my blind faith.  I don’t have all the facts to back up what I believe. I just believe.

So… if you are having a conversation with me (or a friend) and you start spouting off Biblical theories, don’t be offended if I don’t engage in conversation with you. I find what you are saying to be utterly fascinating.  But I don’t think that I can contribute much to the conversation.

Off to crack open the Bible.

The first night, we stayed with Keith’s uncle in Roanoke and saw the most awesome fireworks display I have ever seen. The family was very hospitable.

The second day, we arrived in DC. I hate DC. We drove in. And proceeded to get lost immediately. We drove around for a few hours, finally found the location of the tour we were taking and then realized they had already boarded for the last tour. We left DC and proceeded on to Baltimore, where we stayed with my dear friend Susan. Who made some exceptional grilled asparagus.

The next day, we drove into Hoboken, NJ, hopped the subway and ventured into NYC. We took a bus tour there so we could see everything to see and then on the way back home, we would stop in and visit things that had caught our interest. The tour was awesome. I hate being a tourist, but it was really worth it. There is no way we could have navigated in that traffic and seen everything we saw.

We then headed to Portland, ME where Keith’s parents live. We stayed with them for five days. We got to hit the beach (only) twice, headed to the lake one day and saw Portland Headlight and Two Lights (lighthouses) while there.

In Portland, I also had to go to the Urgent Care to have treatment for a staph infection. That was fun, let me tell you.

On the way home, our first stop was back in NYC. We visited Macy’s for Abby and Em. They are our shopping girls and what shopper can resist a 7 story, full city block shopping extravaganza? We then walked down Times Square looking for Discovery Times Square. They are currently presenting the touring Harry Potter Exhibition (unbeknownst to our children, we had tickets). As we approached, Katie saw it first and was so excited to be able to walk past the Weasley’s car. She knew we were on a mission to somewhere, but wasn’t sure where. We walked in and that child was screaming and jumping up and down. The exhibit houses over 200 costumes and tons of memorbilia from the movies. It was so cool. I got to pull a mandrake and the girls even got to play a game of Quidditch.

Next stop: Philly. We spent a day visiting with the folks of the Simple Way and Shane Claiborne. This was the highlight of my trip. Getting to see how they do the things they do and sitting in Shane’s house eating lunch, realizing he is just a simple guy, like us. It was really cool.

Our last stop was Harrisonburg, VA. We had nothing to do there, just sleep. But, I lost my Kindle there. (boo)

We are happy to be home and in our own beds. Well, Keith and I are. The girls are all off at camp now, so we have the house to ourselves. It’s kinda nice after being in the car together for two weeks.

Road trips are fun, but not on my agenda for a long time to come.

Tomorrow, we leave for the Wild Goose Festival (www.wildgoosefestival.org). We are taking the little girls, but Abby chose not to go because she already only had two weeks “off” this summer and she wanted to enjoy a free weekend. We’re gonna be tent camping. Should be interesting. The girls haven’t ever been and I haven’t been since I was a young kid.

I’m pretty danged excited about it. Wild Goose is a Christian festival for social justice, music and art. There are a ton of speakers we are really excited to see (Shane Claiborne, Matt Pritchard, Jonathan-Wilson Hartgrove, Nadia Bolz-Weber, just to name a few!). We are volunteering at the festival for our tickets. Should have waited because the folks at the Simple Way (I admin a few Facebook pages for them) informed me on my birthday that they were giving my family passes. This way, we now take the girls. We are still volunteering though.

One really cool thing they are trying to do is to not make much of a profit, if any. For example, they have a water vendor there but it’s only $4 for a refillable bottle. Most festivals, it’s $4 for a bottle that you throw away.

In addition to Wild Goose, we are taking a two week long road trip. We are driving to Maine (and spending a week on the beach – woohoo!) and stopping along the way and back in New York, DC, Philly and Roanoke. We are all so excited! The girls, who don’t want to ride in the car for an hour, are all super excited! Of course, we are renting a van, so it makes traveling much more comfortable!

Abby is so dang busy! She leaves for Creation (Christian music festival) the day after we get back from Wild Goose. She will be gone for almost a week. A week after that, we go on our Road Trip. When we get back, she goes to leadership camp for Student Government (This is also the week that the little girls go to summer camp. It’s gonna be nice to come back from two weeks in the car together to a quiet house. I am gonna come home, get all the laundry done right off the back and then enjoy the quiet.) She is also volunteering two weeks at the Aquarium’s Summer Camp. All that in addition to babysitting at least three nights a week when she is in town.

So until next month…or the next time I have a few minutes to spare!

My first in the line of Jena’s Swell Ideas For the Moment tonight would be Organized Simplicity.  Got this book a month or so ago on my Kindle.  It’s really cool. Tsh (the author…and no, there is no vowel in her name) first explains the reasoning behind keeping a simple house and the other half is a day by day breakdown on how to simplify room by room.

Add to that the book that Sara Mae wrote:  31 Days to Clean, and you have the second piece of my plan.  I am taking a homemaking challenge over at Joyful Mothering.  Of course, if I start tomorrow, I will only have thirteen days to clean.  Guess I better get out the dust off the mop.

And, hey, if you wanna join me, I would love an accountability partner!

I am a nerd, yes. I am a sucker for marketing.  And, I love everyone I have known that has ever been in the marketing field – wonder if there’s a connection?  Most of you know (or should know) that I subscribe to a ton of blogs.  I won’t tell you how many because you might think me a weirdo.  Well. Even more weird than you do now, I suppose.  Anyway…I came across a blog once that was about XXX Church.  I was immediately intrigued.  I mean with a name like XXX Church, it has be good.  (Smuckers, anyone?)

XXX Church is  a Christian non-profit that reaches out to those struggling with porn. They raise awareness of porn addictions.  They offer very affordable ($7 a month!) computer monitoring software that emails your accountability partner if you happen to slip.  They hand out Bibles and T-shirts that read “Jesus Loves Porn Stars” at porn conventions.  And they do it in love.  Because, guess what? Jesus does love porn stars and and those struggling with pornography.

Today, I was reading their blog and was thinking about pornography.   I must admit here, that while I have  watched, I have never had an addiction.  (there’s that transparency thing again!) It was always something done as entertainment.   At this point in my life, I have come to recognize sex as an act of love between a husband and wife and, while I believe that God likes for us to have sex and enjoys us enjoying each other, I do not think that it’s meant to be viewed by others.

Why is it that we can talk about someone’s addiction to alcohol but not this addiction? Why is this so off-limits?  If I lie to someone, that is a sin.  If I steal from work, that is a sin.  So is watching porn. I think it falls under the adultery category.   I am by no means saying watching porn is a good thing.  I am saying that I don’t see an porn addiction as anything worse than any other sin.  We all sin.  So why do we treat addicts like lepers?

Approximately 40 million people in the United States are sexually involved with the Internet  Exposing Porn: Science, Religion, and the New Addiction, Paul Strand.  Christian Broadcasting Network, 2004.

In 2004, there were 372 million pornographic Web pages, 2.5 billion emails (8% of total emails), 100 thousand Web sites offering illegal child pornography, and 72 million annual worldwide visitors to pornographic websites Internet Pornography Statistics.  Internet Filter Review, 2004.

The pornography industry is larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and EarthLink.  Family Safe Media, 2011.

I am sure that some people I know are addicted to porn. I really would not be shocked.  I hope this blog reaches the eyes of someone who needs to hear the following words: “You are not alone.”  “I love you.”   “I am praying for you.”  “Please, do not be ashamed to get help.”

I also hope this blog reaches the eyes of a pastor or someone in leadership at a church who says to themselves, “I bet with stats like these, there are more than a handful of people looking for someone to help but are too scared to ask for it. “  Please don’t make it difficult for people who need help to ask for it.

Remember:  Someone is praying for you in love.

I had an average childhood – I have some fond memories, some not so fond memories, but for the most part, it’s a blur.  I do know I didn’t have my father’s approval like way too many girls and that shaped most of whom I would become.

I think my life took a turn for the worse when I was raped at 16.  Up till that point, while we were not a Christian family, I had wanted to wait  until marriage. Seemed like not having sex was a moot point after my virginity was stolen. So here I am, not a virgin, horrible self-esteem and I felt no love from my father.

So I went on a binge: sex, drugs, alcohol and a bit of Rock N Roll thrown in for good measure.  I remember sitting in my friend’s kitchen floor drinking her mom’s Southern Comfort and smoking in back alleys.  I remember many mornings waking up and not remembering what had happened the previous night.  My life was going nowhere.

Then I had a kiddo. A kiddo I love with everything I have and would do anything for. I changed my lifestyle for her.

BUT – she wasn’t with me every weekend. I was still seeking a father’s approval and sought it out this time via men, drugs and alcohol. And of course, Rock N Roll.  I was pretty good at hiding all that from Abby too. I am sure she remembers some of it and she and I have talked about it in the hopes that she won’t follow in my footsteps.

Then came the worst.  I took a married man away from his family.  I had always said I wouldn’t date a married man – some had tried – but, I fell in love. That is absolutely no excuse.  None. But I did it. (More on that story to come…)

But later, I found God.  He gave me all the approval I had been seeking all those years. I no longer sought out approval from anyone other than God and my family.  I have been forgiven my many sins. Some might call me God’s Princess.

I guess I wanted to talk about this because I wanted everyone to see that God’s love is a redeeming love. No matter how “bad” you have been, He still loves you.

Ephesians 1:7 In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;